做不到的要求 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一男子走在加利福尼亚的海滩上专心祈祷。突然，突中云彩上飘来上帝低沉而有力的声音，因为你对我很忠实，我将满足你一个愿望。 男子想了一会儿回答说，我想要你架一座桥到夏威夷，这样我想什么时候驾车去就什么时候驾车去。 上帝回答，你的要求倒是很现实。想一下工程是多么巨大，它要花费大量的人力和原料。另外，对生态环境的影响也会很大。我不能为这个功利的任务而大动干戈。花点时间想一个既不带功利性又能彰显荣耀的事情。 男子想了很长时间，最后说，上帝，我希望我能够理解我的妻子。她内心是怎么想的，当她沉默时他在考虑什么。她为什么哭，当她说没事时他到底是什么意思。最重要的是，我想知道如何让她感到真正幸福。 上帝说，你还是让我修桥吧，你想要几车道的？ Impossible request A man is walking along a California beach deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouds over and God's voice booms out, Because you have been faithful to me, I will grant you one wish. The man thinks for a while before answering, I would like you to build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. God replies, Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormity of the undertaking. It will require a huge amount of manpower and materials. Plus, the ecological impact could be huge. I could not perform such a feat for such a materialistic task. Take a little more time and try to think of something that is less materialistic and will honour and glorify me. The man considers this for a long time, before eventually answering, Lord, I wish I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's thinking when she's silent. Why she cries, what she means when she says there's nothing wrong, Most of all, I want to know how I can make her truly happy. Says God How many lanes do you think you'll want on that bridge? （自 Lycos 网论坛）
胸部检查 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一妇人带一婴儿到医生的检查定，等待医生来给婴儿进行第一次体检。 医生走进来检查婴儿，称量体重后显示有所担心，问婴儿是母乳喂养还是吃奶粉。 妇人答，母乳喂养。 医生命令：好，脱下上衣。妇人脱下上衣。 医生捏住妇人的奶头，以一种极职业的方式对女人的双乳进行挤压，揉捏，抚摸了好一阵，并进行了细致的检查。 医生示意她可穿好衣服，然后说，难怪小孩体重不足，你都没有奶水。 我知道妇人说，我是他的奶奶，很高兴是我带我的孙子来检查。 Breast exam! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? Breast-fed, she replied. Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. So she did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. I know, she said, I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
到底该谁做 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一个男人和他老婆争论到底谁应该每天早晨煮咖啡。 老婆说：你应该来煮，因为你先起来，这样我们就不必等到我起来再去煮我们的咖啡啦！ 丈夫说：你管家里的做饭，所以你应该煮。因为那是你的工作，我可以等。 老婆回答：不对，应该你来煮。《圣经》里都说男人应该煮咖啡呢。 丈夫说：我才不信呢，你给我看呀。 老婆拿起一本《圣经》，翻开《新约全书》，几页的上面都有希伯来人（ Hebrews ）。 注：希伯来人（ Hebrews ）拆开来正好是他（ He ）煮（ brews ）。 Who does what A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it! because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. Wife replies, No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. Husband replies, I can't believe that, show me. So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that! it indeed says .......... HEBREWS （自 Lycos 网论坛）
老婆与丈夫的斗嘴 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一对夫妻在乡间公路上开车，开了好多公里都不说话。先前的一次谈话发展到争论，双方谁也不想让步。 当他们驱车经过一个农场仓库时，丈夫讥讽地对老婆说院子里的那些驴呀、山羊呀、猪呀是你的亲戚吧？ 老婆说嗯，是我婆家的。 Wife vs. Husband A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours? Yep, the wife replied, in-laws. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
让科学网读者笑一下： 造化 造化 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一个男人有一天对他老婆说，我不知你怎么能够这样漂亮但同时又如此愚蠢。 老婆回答说让我给你解释，上帝造得我漂亮，因此你才被我吸引；上帝造得我这么愚蠢，所以我才被你吸引。 Creation A man said to his wife one day, I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! （自 Lycos 网论坛）
让科学网读者笑一下： 吹牛 吹牛 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一男人跟他的朋友吹牛说，他妹妹如何如何装成一个男子，还参了军。 是么，等一下，一个听众说，那她要肯定要跟男孩子一起穿衣淋浴，对吧？ 对，吹牛男人回答说。 那他们就不会发现吗？ 吹牛男人耸耸肩，谁发现了会说？ A man was bragging A man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army. But, wait a minute, said one listener, She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she? Sure, replied the man. Well, won't they find out? The man shrugged, But who'll tell? （自 Lycos 网论坛）
办公室祷告 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 主啊，让我平静地接受我不能改变的。给我勇气来改变我无法接受的。赐我智慧来隐藏今天必杀者的尸身吧，因为这些人让我无法忍受。助我小心今天不要乱得罪人，因为这些人说不定就是明天我就不得不巴结的对象呢。 Office Prayer Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
不熟悉的词汇 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一个沙特人，一个俄罗斯人，一个北朝鲜人和一个纽约人四个男人走在街上。 一个记者跑上来问，对不起，请问一下你们关于肉类短缺的意见。 沙特人说，什么是短缺？ 俄罗斯人说，什么是肉食？ 北朝鲜人说，什么是意见？ 纽约人说，对不起？什么是对不起？ Unfamiliar terms These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage? The Saudi says, What's a shortage? The Russian says, What's meat? The North Korean says, What's an opinion? The New Yorker, says, Excuse me?? What's excuse me? （自 Lycos 网论坛）
抱小孩上车 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一妇女抱她的小孩上公共汽车。当她交钱买票时，司机说：咳！这个小孩是我见过最丑的小孩。 妇女坐到座位上，心里十分恼火。她跟邻座的男子说：那个司机刚才骂我！ 男子说：你怎么能容忍他欺负你。你告诉他，叫他滚蛋。你去呀。我来给你抱住你的猴子。 Baby on board A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You shouldn't take that. You tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
拐弯 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一个男人从狭窄的山路上俯冲下来，正好一个女人开车从角落中飞驶过来。他急忙转弯避让她的车，可当她驶过他时，她探身窗外，尖叫猪！ 这个男子十分惊讶，他转过来，回嘴，泼妇！。当他到达弯道时，正好撞到一头猪上。 Round the bend A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!' Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
最聪明的美国总统 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 教皇、一名男学生和一位不具名的美国总统在同一架飞机上。突然，飞行员突发心脏病，气机向下俯冲。飞机引檠发出劈啪劈啪的声音，飞机上的三位乘客努力保持平静。 教皇说，好吧，既然我们都不可能安全降落，看来我们不得不跳伞了。 可只有两个降落伞了呀，男孩说着，指着飞机出口旁的一堆伞具。 美国总统毫不犹豫，直冲过去，拿起一个喊：我是美国总统。我是世界上最有权力的领导人。除此之外，我是美国历史上最聪明的总统。我要对我的人民负责，我不能死。 美国总统拿起一个包，就跳出了飞机。 教皇平静地转向男学生说：我已经老了。我这一辈子也算是个好人，一名神父。天国里有我的位置。我坚持让你拿最后一个降落伞。 没必要，男孩说，美国最聪明的总统已拿我的书包跳下去了。 Plane stupid The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm. 'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.' 'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit. Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America . I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.' With that, he leaps out of the plane. Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.' 'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...' （自 Lycos 网论坛）
两个老头逛妓院 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 两个老头觉得他们离死不远了，就决定最后一晚到娱乐场所去玩玩。几杯酒过后，最后走进当地的妓院。 老鸨看了这两个老家伙一眼，悄悄跟他的跑堂的讲，到楼上的头两间房子里，每张床上放一个充气娃娃。这两个人又老又醉，我不想在他们身上浪费我的两个姑娘。再说他们也分辨不出真假来。 两个老人到楼上去，做他们的事。 当他们往家走的时候，第一个老头说，我觉得我要的那个姑娘是死的！ 死的？他朋友说，你怎么这么想呢？ 我跟她做爱时她既不动一动，也不哼一声 他的朋友说，我看我要的那个是个女巫。 女巫！你到底为什么这么说呢？ 我正跟她做爱，亲她脖子的时候咬了她一小口，然后她就放屁，还飞出窗外呢。 TWO old men in a brothel Two old men decide they are close to their last days on earth and decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference. The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says, You know, I think my girl was dead! Dead? says his friend, why would you think that? Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was making love to her. His friend says, I think mine was a witch. A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that? Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
意外逃脱 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一个男人被囚 15 年后逃出来，在逃跑过程中看到一个房子，便破门而入。他没找到钱，也没找到枪，只是看到床上有一对年轻夫妻。他让男的下床，并把他绑在椅子上。他把女的绑在床上，亲了她一下脖项，便走到洗澡间去。 趁那个逃犯还在洗澡间时，丈夫对老婆说，听着，这个家伙肯定是个越狱犯，你看他的衣服！他可能在监狱里呆了很长时间，看他亲你脖子的那样子吧，这么多年都没见过女人。如果他想那个，不要反抗，不要抱怨，就按他说的去做，满足他。这家伙肯定很危险，如果惹他生气，说不定会杀了我们。亲爱的，要坚强一点，我爱你。 他老婆回答说，他可不是在亲我的脖子，他是在我耳边说悄悄话。他告我说他是男同志，看你还算乖巧。他问我洗澡间是否有凡士林。亲爱的，要坚强一点，我也爱你。 Surprise escape A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants ***, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you To which the wife responds, He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
流浪汉的生活 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一男子在城里走着，一个邋遢肮脏、衣衫褴褛的流浪汉贸然上前搭讪，要跟他要几磅钱吃饭。男子从口袋中取出 两磅 钱问：我要是给你这些钱，你会用它来买威士忌洒吗？ 不，我好多年前就戒酒了，流浪汉说。 你会拿它来赌博吗？ 我不赌。只要能让我活下去就行。 你要到高尔夫球场交果领费吗？ 你疯啦？我已经二十多年没打高尔夫球啦！ 男子说：好吧，我不会给你 两磅 钱，但我会带你到我家，让我妻子给你做一顿好吃的。 流浪汉很是惊讶。你这样做你老婆不会跟你发火吗？你看我这么脏，可能还很难闻。 男子回答：没事。我就是让她看一下一个戒酒、戒赌、不玩高尔夫球的男人会是什么样子。 Its a tramps life A man is walking in the city when he is accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking tramp, who then asks for a couple of pounds for dinner. The man takes 2 out of his pocket and asks: If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey? No, I stopped drinking years ago, the tramp says. Will you use it to gamble? I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive. Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course? Are you mad? I haven't played golf in 20 years! The man says: Well, I'm not going to give you 2. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific meal cooked by my wife. The tramp is astounded. Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad. The man replies: That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling and golf. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
国民 性格大解析：两个男人和一个女人在荒岛上 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 在乌有海中间的一个美丽的热带荒岛上，如下国家的人被困： 两个意大利男人和一个意大利女人； 两个法国男人和一个法国女人； 两个德国男人和一个德国女人； 两个希腊男人和一个希腊女人； 两个英国男人和一个英国女人； 两个 保加利亚 男人和一个 保加利亚 女人； 两个日本男人和一个日本女人； 两个美国男人和一个美国女人； 两个澳大利亚男人和一个澳大利亚女人； 两个新西兰男人和一个新西兰女人； 两个爱尔兰男人和一个爱尔兰女人。 一个月之后，发生了如下事情： 一个意大利男人为了意大利女人杀死了另一个意大利男人。 两个法国男人和一个法国女人在一起很快乐地生活，并且做了很多 *** 。 两个德国男人按照严格每周制轮流和那个德国女人生活。 两个希腊男人睡在一起，而希腊女人给他们清洗、做饭。 两个英国男人正等着别人给他们介绍认识那个英国女人。 两个 保加利亚 男人凝重地审视着无边无涯的大海，看了一眼 保加利亚 女人，他们开始游开了。 两个美国男人正在谈论足球，而美国女人在不停地唠叨她的身体是她自己的，女权主义的真正特质，她如何如何可做男人们能做的每件事，需要实现自我，家务事平等分开做，她最后的男朋友如何尊重她的意见，对她如何如何地好，她跟她母亲的关系正在改善中，但是呢，最后税也不高，天也没雨。 两个日本男人往东京发传真，正等着进一步的指示。 两个澳大利亚男人正为澳大利亚女人打得狗血淋头，而那个澳大利亚女人骂他们俩下流鬼之后在考察别的男人呢。 两个新西兰男人正在岛上找绵羊。 爱尔兰人正开始将岛分为南北两块，建立一个酿酒厂。他们 没有想到性 ，因为头几瓶椰子威士忌后，迷糊了，但至少英国人什么也没拿到。 Two men and a woman on a deserted island On a beautiful tropical deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman ； Two French men and one French woman ； Two German men and one German woman ； Two Greek men and one Greek woman ； Two English men and one English woman ； Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman ； Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman ； Two American men and one American woman ； Two Australian men and one Australian woman ； Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman ； Two Irish men and one Irish woman 。 One month later the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of ***. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. The two American men are talking about football, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but hey, at least the taxes are low and it's not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting further instructions. The two Australian men beat each into a bloody mess for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both wankers'. Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if *** is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but at least the English are not getting any. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
医 嘱 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一妇女陪她老公到医生办公室。 给她老公检查完后，医生单独叫她到办公室。医生说，你的丈夫得了一种相当严重的精神压力紊乱症，如果你不按医嘱办，你丈夫必死无疑。 每天早晨给他做好有益健康的早餐。时时刻刻高兴一点。午饭要做得有营养，晚饭尤其要做好。不要劳他做家务。不要跟他商量你个人的问题，这吸会增加他的压力。不要唠叨。最重要的是每周要同房数次。如果你能遵照医嘱坚持十个月到一年，我想你的丈夫会完全康复。 回家的路上，她老公问她，医生说什么啦？ 他说你快要死了，她回答说。 Doctor's Orders A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband wills surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say? He said you're going to die, she replied. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
主日学校 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 小阿普瑞莉在主日学校并不算好学生。通常她都会在课堂上整堂整堂地睡觉。一天，老师想看看她是否集中精力听课，她正睡觉的 时候 老师叫她，小阿普瑞莉，告诉我，是谁创造了宇宙？。 小阿普瑞莉没有慌乱。坐在她后面的一个叫约翰尼的小男孩用笔捅她的臀部，悄悄说万能的上帝。小阿普瑞莉高喊，万能的上帝，老师说，很好。之后小阿普瑞莉又睡着了。 一会儿老师又问小阿普瑞莉，谁是我们的上帝和救世主？小阿普瑞莉从睡眠中醒来，依旧没有慌乱。约翰尼又来救急，用笔再次捅她，说耶稣基督。小阿普瑞莉高喊，耶稣基督，老师说，很好。之后，小阿普瑞莉又睡着了。 当老师问小阿普瑞莉第三个问题， 夏娃有了第二十三个孩子之后对亚当说了些什么？ 约翰尼再次用笔捅她。这次小阿普瑞莉跳将起来高喊， 你再用那个鬼东西捅我，我就把它掰成两半，插在你的屁股上 老师晕倒。 Sunday School Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher tried to catch little April out to see if she was paying attention in class. She called on her while she was napping, Tell me, April, who created the universe? When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. GOD ALMIGHTY! shouted April and the teacher said, Very good, and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, Who is our Lord and Saviour, But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. JESUS CHRIST! shouted April and the teacher said, Very good, And April fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, IF YOU STICK THAT F###ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR A*#SE! The Teacher fainted. （自 Lycos 网论坛）
上天的奖赏 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 三个家伙死后到达天堂之门，圣彼得在那儿招见他们。 圣彼得说，我知道你们已得到宽恕，因为你们已经在这里了。在让你们进入天堂之前，我要问你们几个问题。要保证说实话，如果不说实话，你们将会被剥夺到天堂的资格，不得不请你们到地狱去。你们的回答也会决定你们会得到什么样的娇车，因为天堂太大了，没有车不行。 第一个家伙走上前，圣彼得问他，你结婚多久了？ 这家伙说，二十四年。 圣彼得然后问，你欺骗过你妻子没有？ 这家伙说，欺骗过，大约十次。可你说过宽恕的我的。 圣彼得说，哦，做得不够好，给你一辆福特品脱车（ Pinto ）开。 第二个家伙走上前也问到同样的问题，他回答说我结婚四十一年了，只欺骗过我妻子一次，但那是在我们结婚后头一年发生的，但我已交待清了，从此之后我一直忠于她。 圣彼得说，我很高兴听到你这样做，给你一辆林肯城市车（ Lincoln Town Car ）开。 第三个家伙走上去说，彼得，我知道你要问什么。我结婚六十三年了，我甚至都没看过别的女人。我待我妻子像待女王一样。 圣彼得说，这是我爱听的，给你一辆积架汽车（ Jaguar ）开。 一会儿后，开着福特品脱车和林肯城市车的两个家伙看到开积架汽车的家伙正在金黄色的人行道上哭，他们走过去看怎么回事。当他们问他怎么了，他不耐烦地说，我刚才看到我妻子，她正用滑板车滑呢！ Heavenly Reward Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big! The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, How long were you married? The guy replies, 24 years. St. Peter then asks, Did you ever cheat on your wife? The guy says, Yes, about 10 times...but you said I was forgiven. Peter said, yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive. The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to whom he replies, I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after. Peter said, I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive. The third guy walked up and said, Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen! Peter said, That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar for you to drive. A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he wearily said, I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard! （自 Lycos 网论坛）
驻扎在阿富汗的美国海军陆战队士兵 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 驻扎在阿富汗的美国海军陆战队士兵最近收到他国内女朋友的断交信，信的内容如下： 亲爱的里奇， 我不能再维持我们的恋爱关系了。我们之间的距离实在太远了。我必须承认的是，自你离开后，我骗了你两次。这对我们俩谁都不公平。对不起。请归还我寄给你的照片。 爱你的，贝基 这个士兵伤透了心，跟他的战友要他们多余的女朋友、姐妹、前女友、婶舅母、表姐妹等的照片。里奇把伙伴们那里搜集来的漂亮女孩的照片和贝基的照片装在一起，信封里除了五十七张照片外，还附了如下短信： 亲爱的贝基， 对不起，我他妈的不记得你是谁。请你从这一堆照片里取出你的，把别的照片给我寄来。 保重， 里奇 US Marine in Afghanistan A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a Dear John Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows: Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any Snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note: Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fcuk you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky （自 Lycos 网论坛）
沙特人，英国人和法国人的笑话 刘进平译，英语原文见译文后 一个法国人、一个英国人和一个沙特人被食人肉者逮起来。 食人部落酋长走过来说，我有一个好消息和一个坏消息。坏消息是我们把你们抓起来，我们要杀死你们，吃你们的肉，然后用你们的皮做一个筏子。好消息是你们可以选择你们自己的死亡方式。 法国人要了一把剑，刺向自己，口中还嘀咕着法国万岁！ 英国人要了一杆枪，对着自己的头说，上帝保佑女王！开枪后脑袋开花。 沙特人说要一件叉子。 酋长很纳闷，但还是递给他。 沙特人拿起叉子，开始在全身上下乱刺腹部、胸部、两肋和别的地方。所刺之处，血涌如注。太可怕了。 就是食人部落酋长也感到惊骇，他问我的上帝呀，你在做什么呢？ 沙特人说我让你拿我做筏子！ Sardar, English man and French joke A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Sardar were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, the bad news is that we caught you and we're going to kill you and eat you and then use your skin to build a canoe. But the good news is that you can choose how you want to die. The Frenchman asks for a sword and runs himself through muttering his last words, Vive la France ! The Englishman asks for a gun and putting the gun to his head says, God save the Queen! and blows his brain out. The Sardar asks for a fork. The chief is puzzled but hands it to him anyway. Taking the fork, the Sardar starts jabbing it all over -- the stomach, the chest, the sides and everywhere. There's ***** gushing out all over, its horrible. The chief is appalled even for a cannibal, he asks, My God Almighty, what are you doing? Sardar replies, So much for your CANOE! （自 Lycos 网论坛）
标签: 让科学网读者笑一下
