牵念一生 │ 怀念姥姥 那天午后,天气爽朗,漫天少云,风飕飕吹拂着脸庞,带着心爱的愿纸与愿瓶,我来到铁桥边。黄河水在脚下汹涌着,波滚着砂石向远方流去,俯身望去,因注目一方久站,眩目感随之涌上心头。闭上双眼,扶着栏杆,听着涛涛水声,感受着漫天苍生之渺小,慨叹着天地万物之伟大。望黄河水能带走一切悲伤与痛苦,满载着一切美好和祝福,流向不知远方的远方。 拧开瓶盖,展开黄色的愿纸,写着“我想你,我念你,我无法没有你,愿天堂没有孤独,我与你同在 —爱你的外孙”。将愿纸卷成书卷样,用红线一匝一匝缠着一切的念,放入愿瓶里,再拧紧,拧紧后再拧,一圈圈地拧,生怕任何一条微小的缝隙会破坏它的旅程,生怕从此放手一掷就什么也留不住了。拧得手发麻发红,拧得手落皮生痕,拧罢后,轻轻拿到眼前,静静地忍不住多看几眼,心里默想,别了,我爱的,爱我的。抬起手臂,用力一掷,愿瓶带着愿纸流向上空,冲破阳光与空气的阻扰,继续向高远处滑翔,落到了看得见的水面上,随之跟着黄河水一起翻滚、旋转、跳跃,从此伴着黄河水一起生芽、流浪、成长,飘向遥远的未来。 现在数数,姥姥离开我已经有 1680 个日日夜夜,我离开姥姥也有四年半的时光了。对于姥姥的离开,我一直不信,心里也一直不承认,总觉得她还在我身边,等着我假期回去看望她,只是我很久没见过姥姥了。时间长起来就可怕,像是魔鬼,明明那时随时可以见到她,刹那就不能再相见了;明明感觉很近,确实如此之远;明明以往回家都走的老路,现在却很少走往了。时间,让这成为史上最遥远的距离,只有回忆才能跨越苦海,只有思念才能驶过路途,只有不舍才能归向彼岸。时间,真是魔鬼,让我成长,亦让我饱受纠结之苦。 姥姥,在我的生命中,一直以来都是对我非常重要的人。自我出生后不久,姥爷就因患病去世了。二十年来,一直是姥姥一个人过,过的非常辛苦。从小我就喜欢在假期,无论寒假,还是暑假,都去姥姥家住,一直到上大学都是这样。小的时候不明事,在姥姥家就是各种玩,后来渐渐长大,越来越觉着姥姥过得不易,到现在,更加明白姥姥的苦与累。 2013 年初,姥姥在我回家后十天就离开了。其实,那时在学校就知道姥姥身体大不如前,可是没想过会是这么快。姥姥在得病前,身子一直非常好,有的男人干不了的活,姥姥也可以做,七十多岁了,头上也没见有白发。那时,屋子前院种着各种菜,经常可以看到姥姥挑水浇菜、施肥劈柴、织布纺线、纳鞋制衣,样样都会,样样精通,人人夸赞,人人羡慕,可最后可恶的恶魔还是缠上了姥姥。我从学校回来,一进门便立即去看望姥姥,就想赶紧见见姥姥。我妈带我走到房间里,然后出去了,留我跟姥姥两个人。当我看到姥姥那面后,我害怕了,不敢多看几眼,我怕我受不了。姥姥已经被病痛折磨得骨瘦嶙峋,说话也十分困难,几乎没力气站起来,只能平躺在床上,那刻我知道我的眼泪已经不听话了,我赶紧转头背对着姥姥,停留片刻,强忍着泪水面向姥姥,我不想让姥姥看我伤心的样子。记得,姥姥忍着疼痛,准备抬头,我赶紧将耳朵凑到姥姥嘴边,虽然听不大清楚,我大概还是听明白了。姥姥说,前几天有个奶奶,拿着鸡蛋,看过她。这是姥姥对我说的最后一句话,最后一句。看到姥姥眼角有眼眵和泪花,我用纸巾轻柔地帮她拭去。我对姥姥说:“姥姥,没事儿的,都会好的。”每个字都带着哽咽声,每个字说出来都很艰难。 回到家,静静地倚着沙发,闭着眼睛,那滚烫的泪水不受控的沿着脸颊一直流呀流呀,感觉要将一辈子的泪水都流尽流枯。我不敢和我妈谈论什么,我害怕关于姥姥的每个字眼,每个消息和每个过去。有时,大晚上睡不着,走到门外,寒风如刀片割着肌肤,一个人站在路灯旁,失声痛哭。我尽力控制我自己,不敢也不想让人听到半点动静。现在,依然清晰的记得,昏黄的光影中,有一个独身人影,难受地肩头不停的抖动 …… 此后的每一天,我都会骑着车,穿着厚厚蓝色的羽绒服,戴着耳机单曲播放着《偶阵雨》,冒着凛冽的寒风去姥姥家,去陪陪她,让她觉得她的身边有我,有爱她的外孙。就这样日复一日,我单调的重复着生活,走过一遍又一遍一样的轨迹,日子如细水,一天天慢慢地流去。突然,那天夜里,我的手机铃声响了,我知道还是来了,来了。随即赶去,看到她安详的脸庞,静静的身子被团团围住,我安静地好好的看了姥姥最后一眼。听我妈讲,姥姥走的很平静,也很安然。姥姥走了,永远走了。 过后听我姨说,姥姥硬是把生命往后拖了十天,为了能等我回来,为了能再看我一眼。我说我很幸福,姥姥等到了,我也等到了。我说我也很知足,能陪着姥姥一起度过她生命中最后的时日。姥姥离开的那年,我基本天天做梦,全是姥姥的梦,全是姥姥还在的好梦。我感觉,我离姥姥很近,姥姥离我也不远。我从不觉得姥姥已远去,只是除了梦里我们再也没有机会见面了。时至今日,有时还是会做梦,也都是好梦,可梦一旦醒来,感到一切都是破碎的,再也无法重来。对于姥姥的离去,我悲痛欲绝。可是,对于离开我们,姥姥更是不忍。我现在,特别希望我能陪在姥姥身边,哪怕能让我多看一眼也好,可那真的已不可能。我在想,即使折我光阴,我也情愿换回姥姥的存在。但,那只是一个梦,一个永远不可能的梦,一个已支离破碎的梦,一个被水浇灭的梦。 大家都在说,念念不忘,必有回响!可我一直都在念念不忘,可是我的念想只会远去,毫无回响!念念和回响如隔岸山崖上的松柏,站在一方的你,只能痴痴地望着那边。 姥姥走了不到一个月,我写下一首心中的诗以诉离殇,也是为了更好更准确记录陪伴姥姥最后日子时的心境,以下将其摘录如下: 千年梦殇,谁翘首以盼 繁花碎尽, 夜暗寂影乘风飘逝, 痴醉在亦真亦幻的愁绪里, 寻觅冬歌中的一丝忧韵。 追忆往事终不归, 肝肠寸断早空然。 多情自古恨别离, 寂风零铃泪梦中。 残烛枯灯锁寒影, 繁华落尽心生冷。 几重梦影, 又是一道离惜的残殇, 倾覆了彼时绝美的时光; 几厢往事, 徒叹夜色中那遍地铺就的红妆, 记忆的心扉稀释着美丽的忧伤, 在风中嘶声悲泣最哀婉的离殇。 在萧寂的冬日里, 演绎着如梦的空灵; 在冷清的庭院中, 沉淀着曾经的过往; 在剪烛的西窗前, 醉笑着不诉的凄伤; 在暖手的冷炕边, 沉静着销残的目光。 几经忧伤几情哀, 人世沧桑迷雾霭。 深院幽兰人狂癫, 万世红尘葬何边? 此情可待成追忆, 冷灯苦雨醉不离。 梦回人间四月天, 谁把笛声春日赞? -2013.2.21 癸巳蛇年正月十二 在姥姥走后半年时,为了怀念姥姥,仿照余光中先生的《乡愁》,写下了心中永远的诗,写下了心里永久的思念。 幸 福 小时候 幸福是一炕满满的糖果 我在土炕的这头 姥姥在案板的那头 长大后 幸福是一碗香香的面条 我在饭桌的这头 姥姥在厨房的那头 后来呀 幸福是一句暖暖的关心 我在暖心的这头 姥姥在唠叨的那头 而现在 幸福是一梦久久的怀念 我在梦中的这头 姥姥在天堂的那头 —作于2013.8.11 今年初,又将其译成英文版《 Happiness 》。 Happiness As a boy, Happiness seemed an adobe kang full ofcandy. Here am I, Grandma stood on one side of thechopping board. When grow up, Happiness became a bowlof noodles full of memories. Here am I, Grandma situated in theinterior of the kitchen. Later on, Happiness turned to bea concern full of love. Here am I, Grandma belonged to theperson of chatter. And to-day, Happiness looms largeto be a dream full of miss. Here am I, Grandma lies on the otherside of the heaven. ---Translation on March7, 2017 姥姥,我知道你一直都在。 姥姥,你还好吗? —作于2017.9.5
As a bookworm, I see the world as well as acquaint the people through books. Therefore most people involved in my personal life are linked, in one way or another, to the books I have read. Regretfully, those people are rather limited. My dear father-in-law belongs to the highly selective group. In my memory, the most impressive fact is his presenting me books as birthday gifts. On the 26th birthday of mine, he bestowed me Encyclopadia Sinica: Mechanics . On the head page, he wrote, “The applications make the talents increase everyday. The extensions cause the thoughts unexhausted. Hope to win your way unceasingly to achieve the summit. ( 才以用而日生,思以引而不竭。愿不断奋进,以凌绝顶。 )” The beautiful handwriting is shown in figure 1. In addition the practical usefulness of the book, his expectation always encourages me to struggle in my life and in my career. Figure 1 On the next birthday, he provided me with Encyclopadia Sinica: Mathematics . This time, he wrote a quotation of a celebrity on the head page. It says, “From the heart, I love wonderful books, spirited horses, and attractive landscapes. In the garden, I plant blue pines, green bamboos, as well as white wintersweets and white orchises. ( 心有三爱,奇书骏马佳山水;园栽四物,青松翠竹白梅兰。 )” The scripts are shown in figure 2. Figure 2 My father-in-law passed away a year ago. The two volumes of Encyclopadia Sinica still lie in my bookcase. His calligraphy on them, among other my recollections, establishes a coupling between him and me, beyond the consanguinity and beyond the matrimony, forever.
两年前的今天(2008.4.16) 爱德华诺顿洛伦茨(Edward Norton Lorenz)因病去世。 1961年在利用电脑模拟空气流动模型时罗伦兹发现初始值的微小变化会最终结果并且结果可能相差特别大,得出长期天气预报具有不可预测性或不准确性。随后几年罗伦兹发表了《Deterministic nonperiodic flow》、《The nature and theory of the general circulation of the atmosphere》和《Three approaches to atmospheric predictability》等经典论文,提出了著名的混沌理论(Chaos Theory)。可以用蝴蝶效应形象地说明混沌理论:蝴蝶效应:一只蝴蝶在巴西轻拍翅膀,会使更多蝴蝶跟著一起振翅。最后将有数千只的蝴蝶都跟著那只蝴蝶一同挥动翅膀,其所产生的飓风可以导致一个月后在美国得州发生一场龙卷风。混沌理论揭示了系统初始条件的微小变化经过系统不断地放大,对未来状态带来巨大的差异,说明了决定系统可以产生随机结果,简单的模型可以获得明确的非周期结果。混沌理论对数学、物理等基础科学产生了深远的影响,同时人类社会和生活也有着巨大的影响,是继牛顿之后让人类对自然的看法发生了翻天覆地的变化。 附上维基百科上关于洛伦茨的简历。 Biography Lorenz was born in West Hartford, Connecticut. He studied mathematics at both Dartmouth College in New Hampshire and Harvard University in Cambridge, Massachusetts. From 1942 until 1946, he served as a weather forecaster for the United States Army Air Corps. After his return from the war, he decided to study meteorology. Lorenz earned two degrees in the area from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology where he later was a professor for many years. He was a Professor Emeritus at MIT from 1987 until his death. During the 1950s, Lorenz became skeptical of the appropriateness of the linear statistical models in meteorology, as most atmospheric phenomena involved in weather forecasting are non-linear. His work on the topic culminated in the publication of his 1963 paper Deterministic Nonperiodic Flow in Journal of the Atmospheric Sciences, and with it, the foundation of Chaos theory. His description of the Butterfly effect followed in 1969, Kyoto Prize for basic sciences, in the field of earth and planetary sciences, in 1991, the Buys Ballot Award in 2004, and the Tomassoni Award in 2008. In his later years, he lived in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He was an avid outdoorsman, who enjoyed hiking, climbing, and cross-country skiing. He kept up with these pursuits until very late in his life, and managed to continue most of his regular activities until only a few weeks before his death. According to his daughter, Cheryl Lorenz, Lorenz had finished a paper a week ago with a colleague. On April 16, 2008, Lorenz died at his home in Cambridge at the age of 90, having suffered from cancer. Awards 1969 Carl Gustaf Rossby Research Medal, American Meteorological Society. 1973 Symons Memorial Gold Medal, Royal Meteorological Society. 1975 Fellow, National Academy of Sciences (U.S.A.). 1981 Member, Norwegian Academy of Science and Letters. 1983 Crafoord Prize, Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences. 1984 Honorary Member, Royal Meteorological Society. 1989 Elliott Cresson Medal, The Franklin Institute 1991 Kyoto Prize for his boldest scientific achievement in discovering deterministic chaos .. 2004 Buys Ballot medal. 2004 Lomonosov Gold Medal Work Lorenz built a mathematical model of the way air moves around in the atmosphere. As Lorenz studied weather patterns he began to realize that they did not always change as predicted. Minute variations in the initial values of variables in his twelve variable computer weather model (c. 1960) would result in grossly divergent weather patterns. This sensitive dependence on initial conditions came to be known as the butterfly effect. Lorenz went on to explore the underlying mathematics and published his conclusions in a seminal work titled Deterministic Nonperiodic Flow, in which he described a relatively simple system of equations that resulted in a very complicated dynamical object now known as the Lorenz attractor. Publications Lorenz published several books and articles. A selection: 1955 Available potential energy and the maintenance of the general circulation. Tellus. Vol.7 1963 Deterministic nonperiodic flow. Journal of Atmospheric Sciences. Vol.20 : 130141. 1967 The nature and theory of the general circulation of atmosphere. World Meteorological Organization. No.218 1969 Three approaches to atmospheric predictability. American Meteorological Society. Vol.50 1972 Predictability: Does the Flap of a Butterfly's Wings in Brazil Set Off a Tornado in Texas? 1976 Nondeterministic theories of climate change. Quaternary Research. Vol.6 1990 Can chaos and intransitivity lead to interannual variability? Tellus. Vol.42A 2005 Designing Chaotic Models. Journal of the Atmospheric Sciences: Vol. 62, No. 5, pp. 15741587
我是多么想再跟父亲跳一次舞。从来没有想过父亲会离开我。每当听到这首歌, 我都禁不住留泪想起我父亲. 在2007年的圣诞除夕,从医院回到家的父亲躺在他熟悉的床上,目睹所有子女, 慢慢地闭上眼睛, 走完了人生的最后一程.从来没有想过父亲会离开我, 不幸的是他永远地离开了我们. 在这清明之季, 我深深怀念我的父亲和母亲, 永记他们的爱. 是他们把我高高举起! 尽管我们为他举行了当地最隆重的葬礼, 但仍然不能表达我们对他的爱. 曾经听过另一首描写父亲的中文儿童歌. 其中的歌词包括爸爸是个好爸爸... 打起屁股啪啪啪.... 似乎好爸爸太严厉了. 自己也是孩子们的爸爸. 我的体会是父亲要把孩子高高举起,给他们创造最好的条件与机会,培养他们成人. 推荐 Dance With My Father 这首歌. It really moves me! 歌词: Back when I was a child, 小时候, Before life removed all the innocence, 天真懵懂。 My father would lift me high, 父亲会把我高高举起, And dance with my mother and me, 跟我和母亲一起翩翩起舞。 And then... 然后, Spin me around til I fell asleep, 抱着我转圈,直到我入睡。 Then up the stairs he would carry me, 父亲会把我抱上楼。 And I knew for sure I was loved 我知道父亲深深爱着我。 If I could get another chance, 如果我还有一次机会, Another walk, another dance with him, 跟父亲散步,与父亲共舞, Id play a song that would never ever end 我会放一首永远不会结束的曲子。 How Id love love love... 我是多么想 To dance with my father again. 再跟父亲跳一次舞。 When I and my mother would disagree, 当我不想听母亲话的时候, To get my way I would run from her to him. 我就会跑到父亲跟前。 Hed make me laugh just to comfort me, 他会想办法让我笑起来,安慰我。 Then finally make me do just what my momma said. 但是最后让我照母亲的话去做。 Later that night when I was asleep, 那一晚在我睡觉的时候, He left a dollar under my sheet. 他在我的床单下放了一块钱。 Never dreamed that he would be gone from me. 从来没有想过父亲会离开我。 If I could steal one final glance, 如果我能再看父亲一眼, One final step, 再迈出一步舞步, One final dance with him, 再跟父亲跳最后一支舞。 Id play a song that would never ever end 我会放一首永远不会结束的曲子。 Cause Id love love love... 因为我是多么想 To dance with my father again. 再跟父亲跳一次舞。 Sometimes Id listen outside her door 有时候我会在母亲的门外, And Id hear how my momma cried for him 听见她思念父亲的哭声。 I pray for her even more than me... 我为母亲祈祷hellip; I pray for her even more than me..... 我为母亲祈祷... I know Im praying for much too much, 我知道我的要求有点过分, But could you send back, 但是你能不能 The only man she loved. 把她唯一深爱的男人送回来? I know you dont do it usually, 我知道你一般不会这么做, But dear Lord shes dying, 但是我的主啊, To dance with my father again. 她是多么想再和父亲共舞啊! Every night I fall asleep 每晚入睡以后, And this is all I ever dream... 同样的梦境重复出现hellip; 你可以在下列网址听到这首歌: http://www.1949diy.cn/post/123.html