面对挫折：一个令人捧腹大笑又发人深省的演说（节选）


  这几天的一些关于生与死，福与祸，关于理想与现实的距离的博文让我很有点想写些什么的冲动。但时间不够用啊，怎么办？我想起了去年在美国达特茅斯学院的毕业典礼上Conan O'Brien发表的演说。位于东北部的新罕布尔州，成立于1769年的达特茅斯学院 （Dartmouth College）是美国第九所历史最悠久的学院，也是著名的常春藤学校之一。 Conan O'Brien的名字对有些网友可能比较陌生，但在美国他可是个家喻户晓的名字，公认的最诙谐最成功的脱口秀主持人之一。在所谓事业巅峰的时候，Conan成为了”The Tonight Show"的接班人。“The Tonight Show"是美国一个特别受欢迎长盛不衰的节目，而且和奥普拉的脱口秀不同，"The Tonight Show"可是在晚上的黄金时间播放的。记得2009年宣布他为下一代接班人时，那可都是报纸媒体头版头条的新闻啊。但好景不长，才半年左右Conan O'Brien就在众人目瞪口呆之中离开了这个皇牌节目也离开了老东家NBC。到底谁炒谁的鱿鱼似乎众说纷纭，但没有疑问的是这位在美国可以被称为最牛最年轻有为人士之一的Conan O'Brien先生，当着全体美国人的面摔了一大跤。。。

  然后他爬起来了。。。

  美国的大学对毕业典礼演说极为重视，令人印象深刻的毕业典礼演说也很多，比如乔布斯2005年在斯坦福大学的讲演就很经典，网上流传的他的很多名句就来自 那个演说。但众多演说里可以说没有哪个给我的印象比Conan O'Brien在达特茅斯给的这个（见下面）深刻，虽然在这之前他还在哈佛给过一个呢（他本人就是哈佛的毕业生）。演说稿比较长（作了一些删节以便突出重点），抱歉也没有时间翻译（或者谁来试试？）， 但我把其中我觉得最有启发性的句子highlight了，还有一些觉得特逗的我把字体改为了紫色。

  希望Conan O'Brien的这个演讲对大家有点启发。


以下为转载内容（有删节, 来自teamcoco.com，内含演说录像):

DARTMOUTH COLLEGE COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS
Conan O’Brien
Hanover, New Hampshire
June 12, 2011

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom.  I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.

Graduates, faculty, parents, relatives, undergraduates, and old people that just come to these things ----Good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth Class of 2011.  Today, you have achieved something special ----- something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know:  a college diploma.   That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce.  I’m talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.   Incidentally, speaking of Mr. Zuckerberg, only at Harvard would somebody have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next room.

My first job as your commencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not fair.  For example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this weekend, and Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in Twilight.  Deal with it.  Another example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the tent. Deal with it.

...... (truncated)

But this is a wonderful occasion and it is great to be here in New Hampshire, where I am getting an honorary degree and all the legal fireworks I can fit in the trunk of my car.

New Hampshire is such a special place.   When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New England air and thought, “Wow, I’m in the state that’s next to the state where Ben and Jerry’s ice cream is made.”

 

But don’t get me wrong, I take my task today very seriously.  When I got the call 2 months ago to be your speaker, I decided to prepare with the same intensity many of you have devoted to an important term paper.  So late last night, I began.  I drank two cans of Red Bull, snorted some Adderall, played a few hours of Call of Duty, and then opened my browser.  I think Wikipedia put it best when they said “Dartmouth college is a private Ivy League University in Hanover, New Hampshire, United States.”  Thank you and good luck.  

...... (truncated)

Yes, I’ve done my research.  This college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbazon School of Beauty.  Your school motto is “Vox Clamantis in Deserto,” which means “Voice Crying Out in the Wilderness.”  This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever heard.  Apparently, it narrowly beat out “Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub” and “Wimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants.”   Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true, “it was the only color that had not been taken already.” I cannot remember hearing anything so sad. 

Dartmouth, you have an inferiority complex, and you should not. You have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other college.  Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy.  Pete Campbell from Mad Men.  Michael Corleone from The Godfather.  In fact, I look forward to next years’ Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count Chocula.  Of course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner.  Man, imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions.   Oh, I know.  You’re going to say “We’ve got Dr. Seuss.” Well guess what, we’re all tired of hearing about Dr. Seuss.   Face it: The man rhymed fafloozle with saznoozle.  In the literary community, that’s called cheating. 

Your insecurity is so great, Dartmouth, that you don’t even think you deserve a real podium.  What the hell is this thing?  It looks like you stole it from the set of Survivor: Nova Scotia.  Seriously, it looks like something a bear would use at an AA meeting.  

No, Dartmouth, you must stand tall.  Raise your heads high and feel proud.

 

Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, Lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest.  Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room.  And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell …..well, frankly, who gives a shit.

...... (truncated)

You are a great school, and you deserve a historic commencement address.   That’s right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world.   To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous “Iron Curtain” speech at Westminster College in 1946.  JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963.  And today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it The Conan Doctrine.  Under The Conan Doctrine:

• All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to masters degrees, all masters degrees will be upgraded to PhD’s, and all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison.
• Winter Carnival will become Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio.  Clothing will be optional and all expenses will be paid by the Alumni Association.
• Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kick-ass like “The Jade Blade,” the “Seafoam Avenger” or simply “Lime-Zilla.”
• The D-Plan and “quarter system” will finally be updated to “the one sixty-fourth system.”  Semesters will last 3 days and students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off.  They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July.
• I will re-instate Tubestock.  And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock.  Rafting and beer are a much better combination than a field and a beer.  I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock ---  7 hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk.  Don’t let those bastards do it!

And finally, under the Conan doctrine, all commencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize…..TO THE GREATEST GRADUATING CLASS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.   DARTMOUTH CLASS OF 2011 RULES!!!

Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.”  Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés.  Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.   

• First, adult acne lasts longer than you think.  I almost cancelled 2 days ago because I had a zit on my eye.
• Guys:  this is important -- you cannot iron a shirt while wearing it
• If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feeling in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.  
• And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with your life.

...... (truncated)

Eleven years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at Harvard.  I have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to say.  But then 2010 came.   And now I’m here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I’d like to share it with you.   In 2000, I told graduates “Don’t be afraid to fail.”  Well now I’m here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid it.   Nietzsche famously said “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  But what he failed to stress is that IT ALMOST KILLS YOU.  Disappointment stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is disorienting.  What Nietzsche should have said is  “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink mid-price Chardonnay at 11 in the morning. ”

By definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered successful.  But a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public disappointment.  I did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and help define me for the better part of seventeen years.  I went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the grid.  It was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible analogy.

But then something spectacular happened.  Fogbound, with no compass, and adrift, I started trying things.  I grew a strange, cinnamon beard.  I dove into the world of social media and started tweeting my comedy.  I threw together a national tour.  I played the guitar, did stand-up, wore a skin-tight blue leather suit, recorded an album, made a documentary, and frightened my friends and family.   Ultimately, I abandoned all preconceived perceptions of my career path and stature and took a job on basic cable with a network most famous for showing re-runs, along with sitcoms created by a tall, black man who dresses like an old, black woman.  I did a lot of silly, unconventional, spontaneous and seemingly irrational things and guess what ---- with the exception of the blue leather suit, it was the most satisfying and fascinating year of my professional life.  To this day I still don’t understand exactly what happened, but I have never had more fun, been more challenged, and this is important ---- had more conviction about what I was doing.

How could this be true?  It’s simple: there are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.  I went to college with many people who prided themselves on knowing exactly who they were and exactly where they were going.  At Harvard, five different guys told me that they would one day be President of the Unites States.  Four of them were later killed in motel shoot-outs.   The other one briefly hosted “Blues Clues,” before dying senselessly in yet another motel shoot-out.   Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.  One’s dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course.  This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty five years, I can speak best about my own profession.

Way back in the 1940’s there was a very funny man named Jack Benny.  He was a giant star and easily one of the greatest comedians of his generation.  And a much younger man named Johnny Carson wanted very much to be Jack Benny.  In some ways he was, but in many ways he wasn’t.  He emulated Jack Benny, but his own quirks and mannerisms, along with a changing medium, pulled him in a different direction.  And yet his failure to completely become his hero made him the funniest person of his generation.  David Letterman wanted to be Johnny Carson, and was not, and as a result my generation of comedians wanted to be David Letterman.   And none of us are --- my peers and I have all missed that mark in a thousand different ways.  But the point is this: It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique.  It’s not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound re-invention.

So, at the age of 47, after 25 years of obsessively pursuing my dream, that dream changed.  For decades, in show business, the ultimate goal of every comedian was to host The Tonight Show.  It was the Holy Grail, and like many people I thought that achieving that goal would define me as successful.   But that is not true.  No specific job or career goal defines me and it should not define you.  In 2000, I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that.  But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come.  The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.

Many of you here today are getting your diploma at this Ivy League school because you have committed yourself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it.  And there is no greater cliché in a commencement address than “follow your dream.”  Well I am here to tell you that whatever you think your dream is now, it will probably change.  And that’s okay.  Four years ago, many of you had a specific vision of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become.  And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined.  Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexual orientation changed.   I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech.  I know I have.  But through the good and especially the bad, the person you are now is someone you could never have conjured in the fall of 2007.

I have told you many things today, most of it foolish but some of it true.  I’d like to end my address by breaking a taboo and quoting myself from 17 months ago.  At the end of my final program with NBC, just before signing off, I said “Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.” Today, receiving this honor and speaking to the Dartmouth Class of 2011 from behind a tree-trunk, I have never believed that more.

Thank you very much, and congratulations.

如果大家有兴趣也打得开Youtube，这是他的演说在Youtube的链接之一：http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELC_e2QBQMk

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